This time last week we were reveling in our secret joy of a new baby. With a due date the same day as Elijah's first birthday, I was picturing all of the fun double parties in store for us over the years. With a blood test revealing I was further along than I expected, we anxiously awaited the sonogram to give us the right dates and of course that assuring little heartbeat to let us know that everything was progressing normally.
Tuesday dawned gray and dismal, but in my heart, it was sunny and joyful, for today we would see our newest little blessing on screen. On the way to my OB, I heard every Christian song sung regarding encouragement in loss, walking through the storm, being stronger tomorrow, when rain falls in our life, etc. While I was thinking to myself, "do they play anything upbeat anymore", God was silently speaking directly to my heart.
At the doctor's office, the technician could not find my beautiful baby's heartbeat, in fact, she could not find a baby at all. What they found was devastating...heartbreaking...empty.
Now the hard part, at a very emotionally draining time, I had to call Jeff at work and ask him to meet me at the hospital, arrange for childcare, call my mother and generally reflect on the difficult day ahead. My dream of that little baby was dying and my heart was breaking and I was driving home in the rain.But the Son started to peak through, not outside but inside. My prayer became not "please let this baby be alright" but instead "please hold me close as Your will be done". A peace came over me and in my "mom mode" things got done, bags got packed, children were taken care of.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:7From here, everything went very quickly. I was sent to the hospital where I was to check in for surgery just a few hours later. After explaining the procedure, I was left with the best case scenario: 30 minutes, no incisions, heavy sedation, one hour to recover and then home. But it seems like this day was not all about best case scenarios. The pregnancy was found to be ectopic and therefore growing inside my fallopian tube which is very dangerous. Instead of a quick fix, the surgery lasted an hour and a half, I have three incisions where they had to take out my entire tube and the baby growing inside it, and was put under general anesthesia which made recovery much, much longer.
But there were many moments that I could see God's hand at work during this difficult time as well. Jeff was so supportive and amazing. My children were cared for by friends, family and neighbors, both while I was in surgery and while I am recovering. My step-sister whom I spoke with just after getting to the hospital, drove from Charleston, SC to sit with Jeff in the waiting room while I was in surgery. Meals were provided and comfort and love was heaped upon us. A devastating loss and yet, I feel peace, sadness and pain, but peace most of all. Christ has provided me with an amazing support system here on earth as well as His comfort from heaven.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:29
4 comments:
Oh Stephanie, I am weeping as I read this...knowing the pain of your loss & yet also the steadfast promise of Heaven and one day seeing your precious babies there. I am continuing to lift you & your family up in my prayers. Thanks for sharing your story. It is a wonderful testimony to your faith & God's unending faithfulness to provide for our needs, even before we know them ourselves.
Isaiah 55:8-13
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
"For you shall go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.
I sooo wish I had run out in that rain to give you that hug before you left. It hurt me to know that you had to drive yourself to the hospital - but you were not alone my friend - you are strong beyond measure - what a wonderful perspective you've allowed God to give you and Jeff. Love you sweet friend!!
Stephanie, I am crying (surprising I know! Sarcasm font needed here) first, I love you and wish I could hug you RIGHT now! second, I am comforted that YOU are comforted by Him. I've tried to think of the best way to help you, and my exact prayer was for Him to wrap you and Jeff in love and healing. I told myself , "Ashley, they only thing you could do really well, would be to sit and cry with Stephanie. It would probably be more productive to pray".
So, I will continue to pray and give praise that you're comforted by the greatest comforter of all. Do not hesitate to ask me for anything, and if you ever DO need me to come and sit and cry with you- for any reason--I'm your girl. :) May God bless you with restorative and peaceful sleep!
Stephanie...I too am crying right now. I can not even begin to imagine the grieving you are going through. I'm so sorry for your family!
Although it is probably the hardest thing you've ever walked through...your heart for the Lord and your transparency is absolutely breathtaking. We do not choose what the Lord brings in and out of our life. But we do choose to hold fast to Him.
I am here if you need me to bring a meal, play with some kids, scrub a toilet, or anything else. And in the meantime I am praying that God will shower your family with peace, heal your body, and surround you with His joy.
Love you girl!!!
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